Walking with angels
by Jessica12
Summary: "I went today to say goodbye to him..."


Title: Walking with angels  
  
Author: Jessica ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Category:MS, DSR, V  
  
Spoiler: None  
  
Archive: Whereever..Just let me know where  
  
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles  
  
Feedback: Yes, PLEASE:...j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Summary: "I went today to say goodbye to him...."  
  
Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX   
and they are not mine.   
  
Note: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
mistake may occur.  
  
  
I went today to say goodbye to him.   
It took a while for me to work up the courage   
to be able to go to the cemetery.   
I kept on dreaming that he would walk through that door at any  
moment.   
It's funny, but my mind kept on playing tricks with me.   
I saw his face everywhere.   
His scent still lingered in every corner.   
Sometimes I could even hear his voice.   
I was crazy.   
I embraced loneliness, wanting the company of my memories.   
I would not let him part from me.   
I believed if I held on to all the memories he would never leave me.   
I was so scared that I would wake one day and not remember his face.   
The people around me tried to show their sympathy but I pushed  
them all away.   
I was convinced that they could not know my pain.   
I hated the way their words tried to comfort me, like  
some words could ease my pain.   
I hated the way the world kept on turning.   
I wanted everything to stop.   
I wanted to scream to the heavens that he was gone.   
I wanted the world to fall down around me.   
I fell in to the darkest hole.   
My whole body ached when I tried to move and I found it harder to breathe.  
But I never let it show.   
I was stronger than that.   
I wouldn't let them know how much I ached.   
I hated the way they looked at me.   
I knew that they were talking behind my back and I knew   
what they were saying.   
But I didn't care.   
My world was that little office in the basement of the FBI.   
Alone again.  
  
Then he entered my life.   
He was everything that I hated embodied.   
He was one of those I had given my life to fight against.   
I was convinced that he was my enemy.   
I had built a wall around my heart to protect it from harm.   
I put on my mask to play the part of Agent Scully.   
But he saw through me.  
I don't know how but he saw the shattered soul behind my wall.   
But I pushed him away.   
I didn't want his friendship.  
I believed that I could live a life without friendship.   
I couldn't see anyone replacing Mulder.   
I was content living with the memories of years gone by.   
I was on the verge of breaking down when he saved me.   
I guess I owe him my life.   
He showed me another world.   
He showed me that life could be so much   
more than the life I saw before me.   
But I was scared.  
I was scared to open up again, to be totally exposed.   
But he moved slowly and he was gentle.   
He never rushed.   
He was always by my side.   
He was my guardian angel.   
I was so blind and so scared that I treated him badly.   
I wanted to push him away from me, to keep him at an arm length.   
But he managed to break down all   
my defensives and entered my heart like a soft breeze.   
I don't know how or when I fell in love with John Doggett.   
I guess it just crept up on me.   
Now he's my world.   
He comes to me in my dreams and he slays all my dragons.  
I daydream about kissing him.   
I imagine what it would be like to feel his hands against my body.   
I feel like a schoolgirl again.   
But still I fear telling him the truth.   
We walk around in circles.   
He never does anything and I'm too afraid to let on what I feel.   
I don't why I'm afraid.   
  
Now I'm standing here in front Mulder's tombstone.   
I feel ready.  
I feel ready to let him go.   
I have bought some flowers to place on his grave.   
"I came today to tell you something."   
If somebody heard me they would surely think I was crazy   
talking to a tombstone.   
But I don't care.   
I feel closer to him here.   
" I'm so sorry I didn't come before but I was scared. I was   
afraid that if I went here it would be admitting that you were  
gone. I thought if I clung to all the memories you would never  
leave me. I was convinced that I could live like that. I was  
content living like that. I wanted to wrap myself in sorrow.   
But I know now that I can't do that and I know you wouldn't  
let me."   
The sun warms my face as I kneel down beside his grave.   
"I know it's time for me to let you go. I know you're safe.  
I know now that I can never forget you. Your face is forever   
branded in my memory. You're a part of me. I love you.  
But I have to let you go. I know we'll meet again. Somewhere.   
Someday. But not today. I have to live the life God has given   
me."   
Tears mark my face now.   
"I have to tell you about John. I was convinced that I would   
never love again after you. I believed that my heart had died  
when you left this world. I was wrong. I know you would like  
him. He's strong and kind. He's eager to find the truth and   
he'll never leave me. I love him for the kindness he shows me.   
I love him for the warmth I can see in his eyes. I love him  
with all my heart and soul."   
I rise.   
My legs feel weak.   
I brush away the tears with the back of my hand.   
"I will go to him now and tell him that I love him and I hope  
I can win his heart. I know you'll bless me."   
I place the flowers at his tombstone and say:  
" Goodbye, my love. Walk with the angels."   
Then I turn around and walk away.   
I know I'll come again.  
  
  
**************  
  
Feedback-----please---j_rothen@yahoo.se 


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